Welcome to The Cherry On Top.
After a quick bit of research through the blog, I wanted to see if I had anything on anxiety and how to get the heck over it. I thought for sure I wrote something about it, but couldn't find a thing. Even the AuSumness blog didn't have anything. (That's a blog dedicated to Autism.) There's so, so much I want to share. I'll break the information over a few entries being sure to link up all of the parts on each blog.
I am not a doctor nor a psychologist. I'm simply sharing my experience with anxiety from start to finish. Take the information and apply it how you see fit and maybe in conjunction with a doctor if and where necessary.
When I was at my worst, I couldn't imagine doing something like this.
I was brainstorming on where to start and I thought I'd start with my first epic anxiety attack. At the time, I had no idea I had anxiety. I didn't know I had it. My doctor didn't know what was wrong with me either. Eating was very difficult and I lost a lot weight, hovering around 100 pounds.
Allow me to share my symptoms in hopes of shedding some light on this mentally and physically debilitating illness. I seemed to do ok during the day and as evening closed in, everything got worse. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. My heart pounded and I was sure I was having a heart attack. I wasn't really nauseous, but I felt like I could puke, all of the time. Sometimes I did heave, but nothing came out. Looking back, when I was alone, I did better because I had to and when I had support, I'd fall apart.
Several times, I was rushed to the ER from hives that covered every inch of my body and even the inside. I'd get them in my throat which blocked my breathing. Fun! I was ridiculously tired at night. My hubs had to carry me into the bedroom and help me to bed.
I'll tell ya, it nearly killed me to be so sick and helpless. Without regressing too much, my young adult life was extremely difficult. I dealt with hunger and homelessness amongst other worse unsavory dilemmas, but it didn't bother me much. I was always so resilient! Always optimistic that it was just all a phase and that everything would get better with determination, which I had more than enough of and hard work.
That's a big part of why I couldn't believe I had anxiety and still find it hard to believe. I suppose aging, having two young boys with Autism and living outside of my home country could have contributed to the mix.
I was scouring the internet, trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I ate healthy. I was physically active. I believe I found my answer in a comment on a post about a gluten free diet, thinking I may have had some kind of food allergy. The light went on! I just knew, then and there that was it. So, I dug deeper and read and read about anxiety and sealed the deal. Once I could finally diagnose myself, the doctor agreed.
I resisted medication at the start because I rarely to never take pharmaceuticals. I never really needed them, before. After many months of feeling like and wanting to die and the weight loss and feeling helpless, I caved and took the antidepressants.
Again, I am not a doctor, but I find it pertinent to share this story and my findings in hopes of helping or even saving someone else. I would never, ever recommend antidepressants. If you are considering them, by all means do a lot of research. They are bad news. Many of today's mass killers are on them. They totally (excuse me) fuck with your brain. Bad, bad news. The worst part, like many other pharmaceutical interventions, they do not cure you. The number of people that kill themself whilst on antidepressants is appalling and makes their use highly questionable.
Antidepressants numb you. They disguise your symptoms and bring on a ton of new ones. The first two pills I took had me crawling on the bathroom floor, flapping and moaning for hours. The doctor recommended sticking with them. Ugh! My hubs was most concerned about the reaction I had, but I motored on and eventually turned into a careless zombie on day three.
Nothing was awesome and enjoyable. Every single thing was, meh. I didn't know who I was because I was the complete opposite of myself. I was an insane, Energizing Bunny, neat freak, but then I gained 30 pounds in 30 days and the place was a mess. My knees were killing me from the rapid weight gain. I couldn't sleep at all. Not even for a few hours. I started falling asleep at traffic lights and at dinner parties, but when I could slip into bed, I couldn't sleep. Never mind the endless night terrors!
Why on earth do doctors not recommend a psychiatrist when taking these pills? I studied a lot of psychology in university which probably was a huge help getting to understand everything I was going through.
OK. Now, I want to get into a closer view of the symptoms of anxiety and why I think it's similar to depression and how my tips will most probably help both illnesses.
This might be a tough one for some. I think, both anxiety and depression are for the most part, self inflicted. Whether through thoughts and or diet and your diet's effect on your hormones in the case of depression. That being said, we can also cure ourselves. Isn't that the best? But wait! Not only can we be cured, it won't cost you a penny. You don't even have to leave your home and you'll love the new you and so will those around you.
One of the first things you have to figure out is what is triggering your anxiety. I was plagued with negative thoughts and I might guess that people who are depressed do the same, but in a slightly different way. My experience and the experience of a few others I spoke with with the same aliment agreed that with anxiety we keep horrific scenes in our brain. Ones where the plane crashes with all of our loved ones on it. Where the car gets slammed by a semi truck on the way to the beach. Where my child starts choking and I can't save him and on and on and on....Day after day. Then hour after hour and minute after minute.
This cyclical doom thinking more than likely produces way too much cortisol in the blood which starts to make us also physically ill in a variety of ways. Share with me and our readers, in the comments, if this is not similar to depression. I'll go out on a limb and suggest that depression is when we have negative thoughts about ourselves and anxiety is when we have them about others? Just a guess. When I think of my friends who are depressed they seem thoroughly self absorbed to the point where they barely even notice others or consider other's feelings.
Why would we be given antidepressants when we are not depressed, but panicked and anxious? Perhaps that is how I could connect depression with anxiety? Share your thoughts in the comments.
Let's dive into triggers and we'll end there.
Eating was one of my triggers. I was in a cycle of thinking I was going to get a stomach ache after eating and more than likely, gave myself a stomach ache for thinking like this all of the time.
Leaving the house was another trigger. I couldn't stand it and I was really, really upset with my husband for making me leave because I just felt like walking death and I felt super, super embarrassed because I would lose all of my color and I kept trying to catch my breath by breathing in deep. Everyone kept asking, "what's wrong". I would totally recommend allowing someone to stay at home for awhile as they start to accept their illness and begin to heal and slowly draw them from the home with nice things to do, first. We'll go into more details on how you can help in another blog.
Yet another trigger was particular people. Hmmm...My first and perhaps the worst panic or anxiety attack I had was when visiting my best friend. OMG! What?! Why would visiting my best friend give me anxiety? Was it leaving the house and thinking I was going to crash or die and leave my children parentless? Was I going to choke on something at the dinner table or die of embarrassment because I couldn't hold in a fart when everything was so quiet?
This revelation also revealed to me that my best friend was definitely not the best. She brought on a boatload of drama. She was completely self absorbed and rarely reciprocated authentic love. No one had it worse than her. No one understood her or felt what she felt. She diminished everything everyone did and is obviously, no longer a friend. This is what they call detox. More later!
Can you see how crazy busy and ridiculous these thoughts were? These dreadful circular thoughts are like poison, people! They literally poison us and make us ill. They must be stopped and I will help you with that.
In order to find your triggers you may have to stand outside of yourself and spectate your behavior through a microscope. What exactly were you doing when your heart started beating out of control? What exactly were you thinking about when you started feeling sick and or sad? Finding the triggers are essential for healing. It might hurt and actually it should hurt a little because it will help you understand better and help you be more sympathetic with others. Like an alcoholic or drug attic, you gotta admit that this is your problem. Playing the blame game is not going to make you or anyone else feel better.
I'd also recommend not scolding people for not understanding. It certainly doesn't help the issue. It may actually help foster what's really going on. This is all you for the most part which is really a good thing because no one can control your destiny better than you. You are going to save yourself! You can't rely on others to do it for you or even help you through it. I suggest having zero expectation from others and rely solely on yourself. If others are indeed helpful, then be grateful. Gratitude is also an excellent healing treatment.
I hope this piece has opened your eyes and your heart. With much love, I hope you can begin to heal as we progress in this series. You can totally do this. It is definitely worth the work. It won't be easy and it'll take quite awhile, but we know what happens to those who wait...
I've got these free affirmations for you. Print and share them if you like. I designed both a color and economic variation for you. Click on the image and download.
Best of luck with your journey!
